Letters Home: 1

So, here I am on Terra. Me, a little energy orb. I have been exploring the galaxy for eons. Every now and then (love this language the Terrans call English. It is so inefficient and paradoxical), and an orb needs a break. The really cool thing is that I can become what ever creature I want. Terrans are so limited in their body choices. I will get back to that.

I was doing my data collection and I found this computer. Well, I think it is a computer. Anyway, it is called Voyager. I decided to take a look. I found a map and a container of stuff. I analyzed the map and then I remembered there was a young species in the vicinity. My word Voyager is so primitive. Turns out the Europans have been watching Terra for over a millennia. I did go through the container and I found this thing with numbers on it. I think it’s called Nasa. Anyway, I decided to head straight to Terra. How primitive could it be if they got their computer all the way out past the planet they call Pluto.

The youthful ignorance of the Terrans is amazing. According to the Europans, every time they get something good, they destroy it. As the Terrans say, what the fuck!! They have no idea how many others are laughing at them.

The incident with their vehicles on Mars was unexpected. Who knew they were making those kinds of strides. I discovered the best place to learn about Terra is a “library”. No one uses paper anymore, but they are just babies.

So picking a form. There are, from what I can tell, two reproductive variants. A bit remedial, but I am no one to point out faults. I have been countless species. I have had wings, been a giant, I have even been nothing but light. Here, I am limited. I decided to become what the Terrans would call a “female” on the outside. Oh, did you know they have reproductive organs on the outside. It has been hundreds of years since I have seen that. I decided to add a “penis” as well as the “female” breasts and vagina. I really, don’t see what the issue is, but as I catch up on their current events, that is a problem. Such small minds.

You won’t believe this. I don’t believe this. I ran into a Xac. I have always been found of Xac. I suppose, I would define him as a “male” by Terran standards. He is not any specific reproductive gender on Europa. He floats in between, suiting the best needs of his partner. On the outside he looks like a very pretty Terran “male”.  Oh, and he has 3 heads. Well, what the Terrans call three heads. He has 2 peni and then his face. Funny thing is, I don’t really care about that. I do enjoy his company. Xac is here causing nothing but trouble.

I have got to run! Xac and I are joining in the Terra tradition of “date night”. My goodness the lengths they will go through for a mate.


I blame Jeff Baker for this.

I Can Be Cruel: Part 1

She moved to Tucson for the job. It came with great pay, benefits and a plush three bedroom apartment. What more could a girl really want? Waters, Sublette and Blair is a prominent law firm in the city so it was a bonus to get the job. She had been in town 2 weeks before officially starting. She had made a few appearances at the office to have her workspace set up correctly and orientation. She also met the Mr. Waters’ wife. Sweet It’s a three story building with a lovely courtyard in the center.

It was only her third day on the job when she saw him in the courtyard. He was dressed in a black suit with a dark red tie. He had to have been at least six foot two and a build to match. As I approached the courtyard he looked up and smiled. He must be from the third floor she thought. Jason told her there was a construction firm there and the firm handled legal matters for them. She hadn’t time to review the entire client list. She was planning on doing that Friday afternoon.

She stopped to admire some of the new blooms in the garden nearest to the garage when he approached. He smiled almost too excitedly. She smiled back and began to make her way to the door. She decided to say hello.

You must be new here. I work upstairs from you. W

Hi, I started here a few weeks ago. I work for Jason Waters. I’m his new assistant. L

Really? He told me he was interviewing. I hadn’t realized he needed someone right away. W

That is what he told me when he offered the job. Well, I have to get going. Perhaps I will see you around sometime. L

From then on she saw him every morning. He walked her to the building every day. They talked about the weather, books, local news and even sports. She didn’t know a lot of people outside of work and it was nice to talk to someone besides Jason’s wife. She decided not to ask Jason about him. Cynthia, Jason’s wife would be a better person to ask. She would just wait for their lunch date Friday to talk to her about it. It would seem that she had an admirer. The thought made her smile as she went home for the day. She pondered on whether he had a girlfriend or wife and was he just being friendly because she was new to the building. She walked into the silence of her small apartment and continued to think about him every evening. He was well built, she could see that when he reached for the door for her. There was something about him that she had to find out. A little flicker of a flame, she was sure of it.

The subtleness of his daily flirting as they both approached the office building each morning was something that she often looked forward to. He would complement her choice in clothing, shoes or the care in which took to select the perfect accessories to complete her look. The she started seeing him in the cafeteria at lunch. She was quite surprised to see him there. Rumor had it that he never came to the cafeteria for lunch.

He often chose to eat out or no not eat all. He found out by treating his assistant to a very elegant lunch that Layali often ate in the cafeteria. She frequently brought her lunch and a book choosing solace during her lunch break. His assistant offered the latest gossip in the building but he was only interested in her. She was a curiosity for him. The fact that she did not pay much attention to the other companies in the building was a bonus. She mentioned that she was the executive assistant to a partner in the law firm below his office suites. Wyatt rarely paid attention to new hires, but when he spotted her strolling across the plaza admiring the gardens on her way to the building he had to see her closely.

Later that week was when Wyatt was spotted in the cafeteria. There was a hushed excitement in the air since this was his second visit to the space since it had been completed.  He saw here sitting quietly in the back nibbling away at her fruit with a book planted firmly in front of her. He went through the line absently choosing food as he hoped she would still be there when he paid. Taking his food past the other executives he made his way to her little quiet place. As he sat his tray down she looked up and offered a shy smile and moved her things so he could join her.

“I hear your name is “Wyatt”, it was more of a statement then a question.  “And you are Layali”. “That is my name”, she said with a smile that was for him. “It means night”. “And you are named for the great gunslinger”, once again not a question.

He was taken aback by her directness. A shy smile followed by knowing statements. He was thrown by her in less time than it took to walk over. He adjusted in his seat sitting up straighter and leveling his gaze. Her face was unreadable and it unnerved him. He was so used to being in control of every situation. People were often wary that they would make him unhappy. He worked his way up in construction, starting as a gopher and ending with his own construction firm. He was so use to getting most of what he wanted. The things he was missing were only obvious to him and he began to wonder if there were rumors to that. He shook that off.

Social Justice, Feminism, and Humor

I find a lot of different things funny. I have laughed at rape jokes, race jokes, profession, jokes, etc. I do draw the line at making fun of the those who suffer from mental disease or defect. This doesn’t mean I don’t poke fun at my own PTSD. I do. I poke fun at the fact that I was raped. If I didn’t find humor, I would not have survived. I am a survivor. I know this.

I was called out today, not by name (I wish it was by name) for sharing a bawdy joke about an unnamed prostitute. I thought it was funny. It’s an old joke, crass in nature. Being lectured on the travesty that is sex trafficking and sex work is something I don’t need. I am well aware of the evils of this world. I have experienced a few first hand. I have to wonder with all of this talk of social justice for women, do we forget that men can be victims as well?

I volunteered many moons ago at a men’s domestic abuse shelter. In a word it was ugly. The women’s shelter I volunteered at received lots of funding. The men’s shelter? Not so much.

I believe in equality. Those who know me well, know I do. The interesting thing is when people state that I should “know better”, they don’t walk in my skin or on my path. The way I see the world varies. I know there are injustices in the world. I have suffered from a few.

I try to make it better by doing what I can, and providing skills to others so they can get ahead. I believe in the right for women to choose their own destinies. To me, that is what feminism is about. The right to choose. I do believe in equal pay and equal rights for all.

As a black woman, I spend a lot of time being viewed as the bottom of the barrell. Not pretty, not educated, not smart. People are surprised that I have a career. Surprised that I adore books, surprised that I am educated, surprised that I don’t have children.

I look at the world as a place of beauty and wonder. Despite the negatives, I do see the beauty. Even with that, I love a good dirty joke. Making light of a situation can draw attention to the plight of another. It can lessen the weight and make a dire situation relatable.


I have been thinking a lot lately about them. What they mean, and why we feel that everything about ourselves must be defined. A while ago I wrote about who I am. I still haven’t found the “who” of my existence, but the “what” is clearly defined.

Labels are a fascinating thing. We define gender, that is a given. We then move on to define every little quirk and behavior we have. I often find myself wanting to talk with others about the labels that are placed. The ones we give ourselves and the ones others give us. I find that in this thinking, I come back to sexual labels. This has been running around in my mind for weeks. (No, I am not questioning my orientation as defined by societal standards or my own standards.)

I have learned in my sexual life that no one is 100% anything. I have known this for a long time about myself. There are a few women that I have had serious crushes on (not all famous either). I can freely admit that. I am comfortable saying it. It doesn’t make me anything more than what I am.

Here comes the labels. Here comes the rush to define what I am. I refused to label my feelings for this. I can’t. Inexplicably in the course of becoming comfortable with who I am as a person, it was bound to happen that I could recognize these feelings. Shun them? No. Hide them?  No. Label them? Fuck no! It may be easier for a woman to voice those feelings, but do these feelings need a label? I don’t feel that they do.

For men, I think it is a different mindset altogether. Could they crush on a man (not famous) and be at home in that feeling? No definition? I don’t know? This is something I am going to have to ask around to find out. I know a few men that are comfortable enough to actively acknowledge the feeling. They don’t label it. They roll with it. On the other hand, I know a few men that would go kicking and screaming before they acknowledged that feeling. They would work mentally trying to define what it is that they have become. They discuss it with me, and for that I am grateful, but to tell the world at large, no. They look for a label to neatly put those feelings into.

Here is where I come to something I detest.  There is a trope called “gay for you”. I despise this trope with every fiber of my reading being. It forces a label onto to something that really doesn’t have one. Sometimes there is a person, and the attraction goes beyond gender. It is something that is felt on a cellular level so to speak. The soul speaks to this person.

We keep defining things. Love, attraction, sex. To me, these are things that are uniquely undefinable. What are all of these labels for? I have plenty of things about myself that fit into neat little boxes.Maybe I am being self indulgent. I have served at the feet of Dominants of both genders (even a few that were in between). I have subs of both genders (a few in between as well) serve me. Though my personal preference is men, there have been a few women that I have entertained. And what does this make me? You figure it out. I sure as hell won’t waste time doing so.

Hate and Fear

I am an early riser. I rolled over about 0500CST to check my facebook page. I wanted to know what was going on in the world. I start scrolling through. A lovely picture of my sister, a funny cat video, and one of the most horrific mass shooting I have seen. I was almost sorry I wanted to know what was going on in the world.

I don’t know any of the victims or the survivors. My heart aches for them none the less. I don’t cry often, and I rarely cry about the news. I teared up. I wondered how can someone harbor this much malice and hatred. Then I thought about it. It is easy. We see it everyday. Whether we acknowledge it or not, it is there. I have witnessed at work, I have seen it in the military, I have seen it just out and about shopping.

The festering of this level of hate and fear is just breathtaking. Spending so much time thinking about it.

When I was little, I told my mom I hated someone. She said then I must have loved them at some point. “Hate, like love takes a lot of energy. They are opposites of the same coin.” That changed my view on the word “hate”. I must have been a pre-teen around the time of this conversation. The news today brought that back.

I don’t know anything about the shooter. I listened to the interview his parents gave. I was mystified at the callousness of their response. “He must have seen two men kissing.” Really!!?!?!?! That is the best you got? That inspired this. Seeing something he didn’t like, understand, feared, and didn’t agree with. I see things I don’t like daily. Not once did or have I ever felt the need to harm someone.

Two men kissing. That is all it took? At some point he saw this and decided he hated it. Why? That is a question we will never have the answer to. Then I think, do I want to hear his answer? I don’t think I do. You can’t explain that level of malice towards life. There will be people singing his praises, he is doing “God’s work”. He will hailed a hero in circles as he is infamous in others. He will be reviled by most and damned by many.

As for me, love is love. Seek your happiness and love. Whether you show it with romantic words or cuffs and leather.  I want you to love. I have hope that you will. I have seen plenty of hate in the world. Even in the most unexpected places. There is nothing I can say here that won’t be said thousands of times in the coming days, weeks, and months. I support love. Love of men, love of women, love of those who are fluid and ever changing. Whomever  you choose.

Hate is powerful.

Love is powerful.


I was talking with my nephew. He is a fountain of humor, light, and love. He asked for an ice cream and I asked him why he deserved one. He said, “For being an unspecified person, known or unknown”. I raised an eyebrow and got him and ice cream. From time to time that line comes to mind. Later on I asked him what he meant. He said that in the universe the are specified people we know. There are unspecified people we know. I think at nine he is a little young for a universally based existential crisis. But hey, what do I know?

From time to time, I get wrapped up in what does it all mean!? (It’d be nice to have an interobang charecter.) I think of a quote from Haruki Murakami’s 1Q84. “I move therefore I am.” Is it all that simple? It can’t be can it? I move everyday, even if not physically, I move mentally. Whether I have control or it is just a biological response, I move. “I am”, two simple words that start the definition of who and what we are.

Who am I? I know what I am. I am human. I am a woman. I am a citizen of the United States. I am a citizen of the world. I am a writer. I am an artist.

Who am I? I know the whats of my existence. The whos of my existence get harder and harder to define.

To you I am Ophelia and to others I am someone else. That is the outside of who I am. Some will use adjectives to describe me others may turn nouns into verbs to describe what I am doing. With those adjectives, they are still only describing what I am.

Another quote that comes to mind. Alfred, Lord TennysonLady of Shalott,

Who is this? and what is here?

And in the lighted palace near

Died the sound of royal cheer;

And they cross’d themselves for fear,

          All the knights at Camelot:

But Lancelot mused a little space;

He said, ‘She has a lovely face;

God in His mercy lend her grace,

          The Lady of Shalott.’

“I kept on saying no all the time. But somehow, that was not what I was doing.”

I was thinking about dubious consent. I have been reading the series Dubious. Now, this isn’t the only book or series that I have read that involved dubious consent or what I like to call it, consent with suspicion. For example, when you are trying to convince a child to eat broccoli. They say no, but then the little one gives you a side eye and trys it anyway. One of two things happen, it’s as good as you said, or it as terrible as they think.

Back to the books, I was thinking about the many books that I have read that are dub con or consent with suspicion. One of my favorites is Les Liaisons dangereuses (Dangerous Liaisons) by  Pierre Choderlos de Laclos. To bring it forward into present day, I would say that Deviant by Callie Rose and Gaven by J.C. Owens are two of my modern day favorites.

Keep in mind we are only talking about books.

I like it when they but put up a little fight. They have to be convinced to do whatever the act is. It feeds the Domme in me. When they comply, tell them they are good boy or a good girl. This is not a realm in which there is a fight for dominance, it is just convincing the partner that they will like what is planned. The world of fantasy is awe inspiring.

The responses whether it be male or female intrigue me. The appealing part is the psychological dancing that is required for the consent. Deep down you know the character would say “no”, but the actions speak louder than words. I want them to close their eyes and give in. It will be fun. I am only along for the ride.

Regardless of the perspective the book is written in you know they don’t like broccoli and the side eye is strong. They eat and usually it is better than you said it was. On those rare occasions that it is as terrible as they thought is was, well my dear getting your back blown out for the first time can be awful. As they say, practice makes perfect. I am sure Viscount de Valmont would agree.



“I kept on saying no all the time. But somehow, that was not what I was doing.” ~~Cecile (Dangerous Liaisons-film 1988)

Black Hearts

My reading life is interesting. I was thinking about books that make me feel. Heart fluttering and breath catching. I think of the Gods and Monsters series by Wulf Francu Godgluck. I like the way his writing makes me feel. The burning of fire in my veins as I read. Do you have a book like that in your arsenal? Maybe more than one book. One that you know for sure will light the flames of your soul.


Often, the literary greats come to mind when we think about emotions and reading. I love Shakespeare and Alfred, Lord Tennyson. They make me feel, but they don’t appeal to the ultimate cruelty of life feeling. No adrenaline to be found. Gods and Monsters is raw, dirty, and bloody. There is beauty in all those things.


When I read Wulf’s books, I feel so evil, he appeals to that part of me that just wants to love and at the same time kill every enemy in my path. He breaks my heart with prose of love that if you aren’t careful, it will be missed. In that heartbreak I feel the black and icy chaos in my mind rise to the occasion wanting revenge. Yet I wait. I wait to see if he will provide redemption. It is self-indulgent to think that the redemption is for me. I want it to be.


In this I wonder, is there redemption for the past? Can we provide absolution where there is none? Love doesn’t conquer all and Wulf proves this time and again. But, in that little glimmer of hope, where love still resides perhaps absolution is there. I realize that I am not a merciful. I am benevolent when the mood strikes me. In Wulf’s writing he is the same.


Mercy is for the weak. Benevolence is for the strong to wield.

Assimilation and Love

Have you ever read a book that spoke to you? I mean really spoke to you and you think about for days and weeks after completing it?


I read a series like that not to long ago. It is called Claimings by Lyn Gala. It is a LBTQI science fiction series. It is about a submissive who has been mistreated psychologically. Though the physical mistreatment is absent, there was the fear of it.


I was wrapped up in how Liam (the human of this series and was in the military) functioned psychologically. What made him tick. I got to thinking about myself and my experiences in the military. There are those who are born leaders and those who are born followers. Sometimes there is a blur in the line (most of the time there isn’t).


Liam is a submissive. He so obviously wants to follow. He wants a good leader who will protect him and who make the best decisions for him and for them. This struck a chord with me. I am both submissive and dominant. I float between the worlds as I see fit. It is a curious way to go through life; wanting to lead and be lead. The feelings of loneliness that if you share your true feelings with others they will take advantage of you or that if you don’t you are living in a world of lies and misunderstandings.  


Ondry (the alien of this series) sees Liam hurt and potential. Isn’t that what we all want? Someone to truly see us as we are? Not as a tool to a means to an end, but as someone who needs. Ondry is a leader, young though he may be he took notice of Liam and wanted him for him.  In Ondry, I saw the other half of myself, the leader. I can make decisions to help others along the way. Liam is my other half, wanting to be lead by someone worthy.


When I was active duty, I did not suffer at the hands of a lot of poor leaders, but I wished I had met someone like Ondry. The burdens would have been less. There would have been a lot more joy in following.

WTF Am I Reading

I was scrolling through the  Kindle Unlimited catalog thinking, “I need to push my boundaries”. Whatever that means. I happened upon this series (I was looking for dark and sexy paranormal reads in the M/M genre). I admit I love werewolves, vampires, and zombies. Anything that goes bump in the night. I was looking to be entertained. No thoughts required. Just entertain me and I will be be a happy camper (I despise camping. Who came up with this saying anyway?).


I see it, a book cover with a man in chains. So I do what any well honed pervert does, I download it. And now I am reading the New Haven Series Episode 1 by Nicholas Bella. It was a straight up WTAF am I reading moment. I was HOOKED!


This leads me to wonder how does one evolve as a reader? Do we seek out the unknown for curiosity’s sake or are we looking to push our mental boundaries by stepping out of the box?  I stepped into the world of M/M because I was sick of reading science fiction/paranormal romances where the woman needs saving. All of these meek heroines (I use that term loosely) were getting to me. I am not meek and I can defend myself. I want to read something where there isn’t someone who needs some kind of saving in the physical sense. The  ridiculous descriptions of the women were not helping.  Sassy, curvy, thin with big breast, smart, and loving (but from some kind of orphan, abused, and raised by grandparents).  


I wanted something rough around the edges. No hero rushing in with his guns blazing and sword drawn on his white horse (or SUV). Maybe I was reading the wrong books. Who knows, but I felt the need to branch out. I ended up in the world of M/M. So many choices in things to read. You can feed practically any sub genre you are into with in this world.


I bet you are wondering why a straight black woman reads this genre. Like all of my reading this is an escape. I tend to find more books that I want to read. This doesn’t mean I don’t read other genres, because I do. In the M/M world I have found some amazing authors and even more amazing friends. This may not be for you, but you won’t know until you check something out.